Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Forever

"Anything. I'd rather die from anything else."

My mother was the personal caregiver of a lady with Alzheimer's when she told me this twenty years ago, while walking away from her patient's unit after having spent hours with her. Mrs. Koreman was an intelligent woman who at one time had been fluent in seven languages, but the disease had robbed her of all of them except her mother tongue. My Mom often sang to her in Dutch and for a long time, this was one of the only things that got a response from her.

My mother watched Mrs. Koreman go through all the horrid stages of Alzheimer's including the violence, the theft of her personality, the not recognising loved ones. So when she herself eventually got the same diagnosis - for the one and only illness she truly despised -  she knew exactly what her family, especially my father, was going to go through.

"I never thought I'd say this, but I really wish I had cancer right now," she said to me. That has to be one of the crueler things about it all: Being told you have it when you're still aware enough to see the future.

I'm in Cochrane (outside Calgary) now, visiting my parents. My Mom, who can no longer walk or talk, lives in a home staffed with loving nurses, as my mother was to those in her care. My Dad lives very nearby and spends every afternoon until bedtime with her, without fail. When she first moved there two years ago, he spent twelve hours a day there, but he was finally convinced that was not sustainable.

"She's the number one priority in my life, and that's just the way it is," he told me the other evening, and I'd expect no less from him.

So when I heard through the grapevine that Pat Robertson had told a caller to his radio talk show that he should divorce his wife in order to move on because she had Alzheimer's, he sliced to the core of my being. I Googled it to find out the context in which it was said and I realise that Pat was put on the spot, because the caller already had a girlfriend and Pat had to figure out a way to sanction that relationship. The church forbids adultery, and your marriage vows are "till death do you part." So Pat suggested that Alzheimer's is a form of death, and it was understandable to seek companionship elsewhere, but to make it okay in the eyes of the church, he'd have to divorce his wife first.

Huh? And if I'm not mistaken, many interpretations of the bible don't even allow for divorcing, so that would be adultery anyway.

The caller's question had Pat wading in murky waters for sure. Not known for the brilliant things that usually exit his mouth, he could be forgiven this time for the no-win situation he was in.

I'm just glad it's not one we Jellemas have to deal with. For my Dad, his vows were clear. And as for us kids, we reap the benefits of having a father who loves our mother unequivocally, unconditionally, to the end. Just as she would have done for him.




June 25, 1959 - Forever

(PS: Alzheimer's SUCKS!)

2 comments:

  1. Thank you very much Kim for this testimony ...
    With all our love ...

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  2. Dearest Kim, I'm reading your post with tears in my eyes. I had no clue your mum had been diagnosed with Alzeimer's. Both of your parents are people I greatly respect and admire. The time I spent with your family, I'll forever treasure. Your Mum was always wonderful and warm and I truly enjoyed getting to know her.My prayers are with your family.Peace, sister! Veronica

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